|The page you are looking for
is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical
difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings, but most
likely you're a complete dipshit. You tell your friends you've been online
since '94, but Mr. "I've been on the net for 5 years" seems to call me a
lot at 2 am in the morning and asking what settings you need to put in
your outlook express to get your @home e mail, or how do I send something
in icq? My favorite moments from you and your friends are when you send me
the "I love you virus" or the e mails I get with the jokes that are so not
fucking funny I wanna snap your neck like a twig. No I'm not your personal
Microsoft hotline, and when I go to your place for dinner, please dont ask
me if I could "Just take a look at something" you've been having trouble
with. The next time you tell me you pride yourself on how much you've
learned about computers over the years, just know that I'm thinking
"Bullshit" over and over in my mind ya prick.|
Please try the following you complete idiot:
- Click the Refresh button, but dont call me, I'm sick of helping
your ass when you don't get it. I'm not the fucking "best friend help
- If you typed the page address in the Address
bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Knowing you it's spelled
wrong. In fact I guarantee it's wrong.
I've seen you mispell the word "the".
- To check your connection settings, jiggle the
cable. Stick a fork in the ram, or put a q tip in the fan at the back
of your pc while it's on and get a face full of dust. I bet you did
that already though didn't you? And you just don't want to admit it.
click the Tools menu, there should be a picture of you since
you ARE a Tool and then click Internet Options, now enter
your visa or mastercard information in your digital signature, don't
forget your expiry date, and send me an e mail. Thanks pal, I'll get
an extra dvd for you from amazon.com with your credit card. On the Connections
tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided
by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider
(ISP). Chances are you're using AOL anyway.. and they can't get their
head out of their ass, but they can say hi to you since your head is
planted firmly in the same ass.
- If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows
can examine your network and automatically discover network connection
settings. Hell Microsoft can examine everything you do, they can even
SEE you right now sitting there with your pen in your ear or smelling
your finger . Miscrosoft is at this very moment secretly connected to
your computer and downloading all the information you have stored in
it and watching you like a fat kid watches a friend eat a chocolate
bar. Big brother? I think Bill Gates would have given even George Orwell
If you would like Windows to use your identity to apply for a blockbuster
card so they can keep a copy of Hackers for 3 weeks, then click Detect Nitwit Settings. You know all those
mp3's and that porn that you cleverly hid in your c:\windows directory to fool your husband,
wife, boss, or even your parents? Not only do they see it, they are
making copies of it for personal use. Remember that firewall isn't going
to protect you, THEY fucking made it.
- Some sites require 128-bit connection security.
But that's all a really really bad joke being played on you. The word
"security" and "internet" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Right now
you visa number is on about... 2,500 different websites. Not to mention
your private e-mail is being handed out to more porn spammers than the
number of times AOL tried to give you ONE MONTH FREE on a cd in the
back of your favorite magazine.
- If you are trying to reach
a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. A reminder
for those of you who have your feet up and a grin on your face as you
read this, if you're looking at porn, and I know you are, your wife
pretends she doesn't know shit, but she checks the history and the temporary
internet folders while you're in the bathroom reading your magazine
for 26 minutes. She knows what you're doing. Don't even feel confident
she doesn't. Wanna know why she doesn't mention it? Because now she
is justified in having that affair on icq with some guy name Raul. But
here is the funny part Mr. Wizard, SHE knows how to delete her logs
and history and pretend she doesn't know how "this internet thing works
but wants to learn". You're on the way to the couch after you "turn
on the computer for your baby" while she just wants to surf the Martha
Stewart website, but the second you leave the room, she's checking her
15 hotmail accounts for "RE:
Your Hot Picture"
. You are not even HALF as
smart as you think you are pal. Once again, a reminders to click the Tools
menu, I swear, there will be a picture of you in there somewhere, and
then click Internet Options. Yours are limited since you just now
realized that not only is your wife cheating on you, but some 15 year
old kid in Miami just bought the entire Eminem music library on cd AND
dvd and charged it to your credit card.
- I would like to add ladies, if you think that was funny,
wait until you find out how many times your boyfriend/husband has pretended
to be a lesbian so he could talk to other lesbians on mIRC when you
went to bed early. Chances are the other "Lesbian" was some middle aged
guy named Norman who lives in a trailer in Salt Lake City. Not only
is he balding and wearing a T shirt that says "Hard Rock Cafe Vegas"
but the only other thing he's wearing besides a shit eating grin is
a pair of underwear that's older than a 1977 penny. Also ladies,
take a good look at the mouse your holding right now, you might want
to get a wet cloth and some anti bacterial soap. Men don't know how
to use hotmail because they can't even remember what they had for lunch
today, so there is no way they can recall some obscure password, god
forbid. But remember a couple weeks back when he told you in passing
about that software he ordered online that the computer really needed?
The same software that he ordered on the visa? Well that "software"
is actually a subscription to the personal webcam homepage for a playboy
model at http://www.trishcampbell.com/
Wheee isn't this fun? Learning about your mate? I just can't get enough.
- Click the Back button to try another life, cause you
obviously just can't seem to get the hang of this one. Good luck. Quit
your job and move to Mexico... oh and that grinding noise your hard
drive is making right now... isn't me erasing your c:/ drive. Honest.
Oh wow, is this YOU in c:/Temp/me.jpg